It’s OK to cry…

Tears1

Today has been a rough day.  I’ve felt very emotional and out of sorts.  I’d even say, a bit anxious.  This morning, I couldn’t seem to stop crying, and the urge to still lingers.  The slightest thought seems to bring it about.  Why is that?

I’m on steroids and hormones.  Tomorrow is a very big day.  It’s the FET day.  The day I hope to become pregnant.

Where every day in this process I’ve felt mostly at peace, full of calm and hope…today I feel disjointed.  Sad.  Yet underneath it all, I also feel strong.  Talk about contradictions.  This is me.  This is where I am, and it’s OK.

Reverend Aimee gave me a blessing today after church.  I was anointed with oil and hands, loving hands, were placed on my shoulders.  A child crying in the background.  A stern talking to for bad behavior as the prayer started.  Excited dogs running around the kitchen.  Lunch half eaten at the table.  Can you picture it?  The craziness?  The madness?  Parenthood?  …and this I hope to fill my life with myself.  How appropriate.  I recall saying under my breath, “awesome”.

DogBlessed

And then, regrouping, we prayed.  Now four hands…loving hands, strong hands, comforting hands.  I was feeling so weak, but with the sudden quiet, the hands, even the dogs still and underneath my chair.  I felt blessed.  I felt loved.  Yes, I was blessed by 4 hands and 8 paws in a kitchen, amidst the chaos of life.  Beautiful.

David

That said, something tragic happened this week.  David Lamb, a boy I grew up with, a boy who played with my brother, my late brother, died.  This was a young man, his whole life ahead of him.  A husband, a son, a brother, and a friend to many.  How is it that this one family, at some point or another, have children who have all been affected by cancer at some point in their lives?  I remember when Michael (David’s older brother, who is my age) had leukemia as a teen.  I’m thankful and happy to say, he survived.  Now years later David, also with leukemia, has lost his battle.

I suppose in many ways it reminds me of my own family…our own losses.  I’ve lost 2 bothers at separate times, in separate places, from tragic accidents.  You wonder…I wonder…   All in one family?  Why?  Then there’s that ugly, awful doubt that comes at me from behind wondering if more heartache is yet to come.

Of course, the answer is YES.  Where there is joy, there is sadness and despair.  But then I remember the security I have KNOWING, that God is always there.  God is always with me.  And yes…You can…I can…We must get through it.  Always, through the darkness there is light, love, and promises of a better tomorrow.

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