Well, it’s official. We are miscarrying. I guess you’d call it impending fetal demise. We went to the doctor on Thursday. The fetal pole is smaller. We could see cardiac activity on the ultrasound, but could no longer measure a heartbeat because it was so slow. We have stopped all progesterones (life support for new life), and are waiting for things to progress naturally. I will see my regular OB/GYN on Tuesday and see how things are looking/progressing. Currently, my HCG is 18, 198. We will be watching for this level to decrease as well.
We are heartbroken.
It has been a long journey just to achieve pregnancy, and now this is lost as well. In my mind, I know there are reasons this happens. It is God and nature’s way of protecting us. In my mind, I know the positive is that we now know it is possible for me to achieve pregnancy. In my mind, I know that in the end, all will be well.
But, my heart hurts at the loss.
We ask for your continued prayers for peace.
I am not a poet or a lyricist, but these words have come from my heart in this time and in this space:
If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer. ~Mathew 21:22
Faith: Complete trust and confidence in someone or something. Belief that is not based on proof.
You may wonder why I’m reflecting on faith. I’ve had a difficult time being still enough in body, mind, and heart to write these last few weeks. It’s been a whirlwind rollercoaster with ups and downs.
Good Friday, April 18, 2014, really was a good day for me. I went to the doctor’s office in the morning to have my pregnancy test. I took Freddie (my dog) out when I got home, and while coming in was told that I had a flower delivery. Really? I wondered who on earth would send me flowers. I got the package and opened the note. My friend Karin had sent them to me with a note that said: “Just because I’m thinking of you.” I promptly burst into tears.
It was at this point that I began to wonder if I was pregnant. I’ve never cried over flowers. Gotten excited and full of smiles, yes. Cried non-stop, not so much. The phone rang at 11:50am and caller ID said it was FCI. I’d never received a call so early with any lab results, so my first thought was “Oh no! They need to do a re-draw. Something was wrong with the specimen.” “Hello?” The other voice replied, “Congratulations!” “Who is this?” “It’s Fran, you’re pregnant!” Me, I was speechless, and of course I started crying again. I got off of the phone and texted my husband the great news, who was waiting at work with bated breath. This is my very first pregnancy. Ever.
It was Good Friday, and I had work to do as well. I was to chant the Passion at CHN, my church. It’s a beautiful service that ends in darkness and candlelight as we venerate the cross.
I did chant the Passion that night, and here at the foot of the cross Thanked Jesus for giving me life. As I cried, my priest put her arm around me and I whispered, “I’m pregnant.”….and so we both cried and held each other. Blessed.
Saturday, April 19th, came and with it The Great Easter Vigil. We had no deacon this year, and I was honored to be asked to sing the Exultet, an opening proclamation of sorts, at our service at CHN. I would like to share the words, so you can conceive what this newly-found pregnant woman was singing…
Rejoice now, heavenly hosts and choirs of angels, and let your trumpets shout Salvation for the victory of our King. Rejoice and sing now, all the round earth, bright with a glorious splendor, for darkness has been vanquished by our eternal King. Rejoice and be glad now, Mother church, and let your holy courts in radiant light resound with the praises of your people. All you who stand near this marvelous and holy flame, pray with me to God the Almighty for the grace to sing the worthy praise of this great light; through Jesus Christ his Son our Lord, who lives and reigns with him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit one God, forever and ever, Amen.
It is truly right and good, always and everywhere, with our whole heart and mind and voice to praise you, the invisible, almighty and eternal God, and your only begotten Son Jesus Christ our Lord; for he is the true Paschal Lamb, who at the feast of the Passover paid for us the debt of Adam’s sin, and by his blood delivered your faithful people. This is the night, when you brought our fathers, the children of Israel, out of bondage in Egypt, and lead them through the Red Sea on dry land. This is the night, when all who believe in Christ are delivered from the gloom of sin, and are restored to grace and holiness of life. This is the night, when Christ broke the bonds of death and hell, and rose victorious from the grave. How wonderful and beyond our knowing, O God, is your mercy and loving kindness to us, that to redeem a slave, you gave a Son. How holy is this night, when wickedness is put to flight, and sin is washed away. It restores innocence to the fallen, and joy to those who mourn. It casts out pride and hatred, and brings peace and concord. How blessed is this night, when earth and heaven are joined and man is reconciled to God. Holy Father, accept our evening sacrifice, the offering of this candle in your honor. May it shine continually to drive away all darkness. May Christ, the Morning Star who knows no setting, find it ever burning – he who gives light to all creation, and who lives and reigns forever and ever. Amen.
All I can say about that is Thank You.
Fast forward to Wednesday, April 30th, our first ultrasound. I was exactly 6 weeks to the day.
Twins! One embryo had a definite yolk sac and the other did not. I was to return for another ultrasound in 1 week.
The heartbreak began on our anniversary, Wednesday, May 7th. I should tell you that my best friend’s mother-in-law who was on hospice had just passed away, and her funeral was scheduled for this day. I pray she finds restful peace.
My husband had a deposition this morning and I had to be at FCI for my repeat ultrasound to check on progress. Afterwards, we were to head to the Northern Suburbs to be with our close friends/family to honor Anita, and show our love and support as well. So, we went our separate ways to start, but I thank God that my husband was made it in time for the ultrasound. Baby A did have a heartbeat detected by ultrasound. You could see the movement, however baby A was 1 week behind in measurements for gestational age. Baby B was not making any progress and there was still no yolk sac. I am exactly 7 weeks here. The bright white spot is the heartbeat.
We were taken into a conference room and told to be “cautiously optimistic.” We are both medical people, and in our world, that translates to; prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Has anyone ever said this to you before? We had naught a moment to be excited about our baby’s heartbeat, and we were okay with one, but now taking in the news that our pregnancy might not be sustainable. The goal has never been to have multiples, but to just have a baby.
So here we are, it’s our wedding anniversary, we are filled with fear and sorrow for our pregnancy, and now we are on our way to a funeral. No time to take it all in. Just keep moving. Just keep going. This is the heart of my silence. I just want to be strong. I don’t want to tell you I’m falling apart inside.
I was told to come and see the doctor the following day. When I got there, she decided to check and see how things were looking and to do another ultrasound. I was alone this time. My husband was at work. Baby A still had a heartbeat seen on ultrasound, but it was a little slower, 94. I was told we were walking on a tight-rope. The ultrasound tech was already giving me advice about what to do should I lose the baby. I finally said, I’m not giving up. As long as this baby has a heartbeat, I’m not giving up. They assured me that they weren’t either. I cried for the entire rest of the day, while my dog, Freddie, licked my tears.
So here I am, looking for faith. In 2 days I will be 8 weeks, and 1 day. I am scheduled for another ultrasound and a visit with the doctor. I need optimism. I need prayers. I’m anxious. I need faith. In my heart, I know that all will be well, that I can rise above whatever this journey brings. But also in my heart, I hope for a child to tell stories, to sing songs, and to laugh with. I still feel that this is a divine pregnancy. God is with me now, just as he was when we walked together through Lent.
coalescedreverie 