Mother’s Day 2019

This past Mother’s Day was a different experience for me.  I had the pleasure and challenge of preaching at my parish, Church of the Holy Nativity.  It’s only the second time I’ve ever preached.  It’s humbling.  It’s challenging.  It leaves me filled with the reminders of God’s love and grace.

When my priest initially asked how I’d feel about preaching on Mother’s Day, I hadn’t looked at the lectionary and our conversation was more about what it might mean to be a mother preaching on Mother’s Day.  I didn’t have any reservations within that context and so, agreed.

The week after peaching the first time, late January, I finally got a look at the readings and my breath caught.  I would be preaching on Mother’s Day.  The scripture readings included the 23rd Psalm.  The same words written on my brother’s tombstone, the same brother, whom we named our own miracle after.  The one who has made me a mother.  I share this backstory with you because it’s important for me to share how God works our healing in mysterious, but deliberate ways.  Sometimes we don’t even know these are parts of us that are in need God’s guidance, grace, love and healing…but they are given whether we know the need or not.  I am humbled.  I am challenged.  I am filled with reminders of God’s love and grace.

THE READINGS

Acts 9:36-43
Psalm 23
Revelation 7:9-19
John 10:22-30 (The Gospel)

THE SERMON

The Lord is our strength and shield.  Holy Spirit, come.  Make your presence known to us through word and meditation.  Amen.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I don’t know if anyone here feels the same, but Mother’s Day is actually kind of tricky for me.  How do we celebrate a day that on one hand brings our cups to overflowing and on the other, rips the scar tissue or maybe even a fresh scab off of a deep wound?

You see, though many are mothers in the traditional sense,  blessed to be able to witness first hand, God’s miracle of creation, there are many other mothers out there.

*The woman who has been trying to conceive for years – Yes.  She’s a mother too.

*The man who’s both mother and father, because he’s it – Yeah, he’s a mother too.

*The adoptive and honorary role models who take children under their wings – Yep, they’re moms too.

*The bereaved mother, who no longer has a child to hold in her arms – Let me tell you, she’s still very much a mother.

…and these are just a few examples of the other.

Added to that, where does this leave children like AJ Freund?  I don’t know how many of you have seen the recent DCFS audit in Illinois, but from 2015-2017, 102 children had prior contact with the system, but were left vulnerable and died.

In a time when so many of us feel powerless, isn’t it wonderful to be reminded of…to rediscover to beauty and power of the resurrection?

Are any of you familiar with the story of Horatio Spafford?  There’s a Chicago connection.  He was a successful lawyer who had invested significantly in property that was extensively damaged in the Great Chicago Fire.  In the hopes of finding a new life, the family planned to move to Europe.  Consequently, Mr. Spafford was delayed on business, so he sent his family on ahead of him.  While crossing the Atlantic, the ship his family was on sank after a collision with another vessel.  All 4 of his daughters died.  This added to a son the family had already lost previously, when he was 2 years old.  It was this man, who after significant personal trauma, wrote the lyrics to the well-known hymn, It is well with my soul.

Bear with me, for I very much think in song and lyric…but I’d like to invite you to close your eyes and hear the words (the original lyrics), which I believe are the essence of our readings this morning.

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to know,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet,
Though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed his own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, ’tis for Thee, for thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal,
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
A song in the night, oh my soul!

As  I read and re-read our scriptures for this morning over and over – my own practice of meditation and reflection, I couldn’t help but be lifted by the Spirit and season of Easter.  We are a resurrection people.

Alleluia!  Christ is Risen!
The Lord is risen indeed! Alleluia!

First we have God working a miracle through Peter – raising Tabitha from the dead.

Then we are given peace in the knowing our Shepherd always guides us towards life, in the Psalm.

He revives my soul and guides me along right pathways
for his name’s sake.
Surely your goodness and mercy shall follow me all the
days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

Followed by a beautiful picture of what the resurrection might look like –

God will shelter them.
They will hunger and thirst no more.
For the Lamb will be their Shepherd.
He will guide them to springs of the water of life.
God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

A world Unified – every nation, tribe, people and language –
made pure through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

And finally in our Gospel, absolute assurance –

“My sheep hear my voice.
I know them.
They follow me.
I give them eternal Life.
They will never perish.”

Alleluia!  Christ is Risen!
The Lord is risen indeed! Alleluia!

In his great mercy, we have been given a new birth into a living HOPE through the resurrection.  (1 Peter 1:3-9)

Where, O death, is your sting?  Where, O grave, is your victory?
(1 Corinthians 15:55)

Or as Rachel Held Evans (1981-2019) put it:
“Death is something empires worry about, not something gardeners worry about. It’s certainly not something resurrection people worry about.”

…which reminds me of a saying that goes something like this:
When you’re in a dark place, you tend to think you’ve been buried. But perhaps, like a seed or a bulb, you’ve been planted.  BLOOM!

…and so I say with Faith and Joy and Hope, Happy Mother’s Day!
To all moms: step-moms, honorary moms, adopted moms, foster moms, yearning moms, angel moms, grieving moms, grieving children, pet moms, expecting moms, new moms, mother-in-laws, Dad moms, anyone who has a mom or mother figure…Happy Mother’s Day!

Alleluia!  Christ is Risen!
The Lord is risen indeed! Alleluia!

Me and my miracle boy, Jonathan on Mother’s Day.

Daydreams

I need to tell you a story.  It’s been persistently on my mind.  I’m uncertain of it’s meaning, but continue to roll it around in my head.  Any insight is welcome.

Some of you may know my second cousin, Christi, passed away last month.  It’s devastating, as she leaves behind a husband and 2 beautiful school-aged children.  Cancer took her from us.  Quickly.  Unexpectedly.

I couldn’t sleep the night I received the news.  More than a relative, Christi, had been my friend.  She was a great support to me while I journeyed through infertility, cheering me on.  She was also a great support and encouraged us as we journeyed through having a micropreemie.  She walked with us.  Kept tabs.  Checked in.  Now, in the blink of an eye, she’s gone.  Wife.  Mother.  Friend.  Gone.

Though I always said, Thank You, in the way one does when someone does something nice or kind for you, I never did tell her what her presence, hope and the walking with me, meant to me.  I believe as her spirit lives and we continue to share our stories, she hears and she knows she made a impact.  This reminds me to remember to speak up, share memories, tell stories, share joys, and trials too with those around us.  Tell people what it means to have their presence, their listening ears and their love in our lives.

So, I was thinking about Christi while getting ready the next morning and I had this “daydream?”.  I’m not sure what to call it, because I was awake, but it definitely came from a subconscious part of me or somewhere else.  Something else.  It was almost trance-like.  But, I had this whole conversation with myself or with this other entity about whether or not I should wear a collar to her memorial service.  Then, finally, I kind of came out of it and thought; “Why are you even having this conversation?  You’re not a priest or a deacon, who has a collar.  You don’t have to worry about this or think about it.”  Then I thought, “What on earth was that?”  I just had an entire conversation about when asked “should I wear a collar?” to the point of answering, no.  It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to wear a collar because I was attending the service as her family, to be supportive of the rest of the family.  Christi and Massimo were not religious people and may be uncomfortable and not supported with a collar.

Then it came again.  “What just happened?”  “What was that?”  It left me feeling unsettled and nervous.  Then I thought, well it’s no wonder I’m dreaming of collars since I’m working with a 3rd discernment group of someone discerning if there is a call to the  ordained ministry of the priesthood.  Maybe I’ve been discerning so much, my own mind is just there, present and in that space thinking about what it means to be a deacon or a priest.  I don’t know. I’m not sure.  This is so strange.

On a side note, I had begun to finally look into participating in EfM (Education for Ministry).  Feel free to click on the link if you’re not sure what that is.  Reverend Aimee, our previous rector, had mentioned EfM to me years ago, but there was a scheduling conflict for me, so it wasn’t something I thought I’d be able to commit to, until now.  As it doesn’t work well for me to drive out to CHN (Church of the Holy Nativity) during rush hour, I looked into trying to find a group in the city.  I was directed to a man named Timm, who leads the group at St James Cathedral.  We had lunch so that I could learn more about it.  I found out Timm is a retired physician, so we had something in common almost immediately.  He then told me he was actually in discernment trying to discern whether or not he had a call to the diaconate; was I familiar with the process?  Of course, I smiled and said, actually, I’m currently working with a third discernment group right now with someone discerning a possible call to the priesthood.  (My heart is now racing and I’m thinking, what on earth is going on?)  So, we talked a little about his process and that he’d also been a part of another group prior to his own, discerning the priesthood with someone.  We had a very nice lunch and are looking forward to delving into EfM together.

Now I’m really starting to think, so I send a text to a friend who also happens to be a priest, hoping she can calm my panic.  I asked if she might have time for a chat and surprisingly, she was able to respond right away with a  yes, she was actually on her lunch.  I told her the story.  Her response was not at all what I expected.  She said, “well, if I was your priest, I would guard my words more carefully, but since I’m not your priest, as your friend, I can tell you that most of the discerning that I’ve done with people are those with a call to the diaconate, not the priesthood.  (palpitations are starting now)  I can tell you, it takes someone who… (with the pounding in my ears, I can’t remember the exact words she used when talking about the personal qualities it takes to be a priest, but I remember what came next…) …and you have those qualities.  Those are the qualities of a priest.”

I’m now stunned.  Sitting there nervous, mouth dry and thinking, “You can’t be serious?!?”  In my mind, I might possibly handle the thought of a deacon, but priest?  Seriously?  Could I honestly be entrusted with that?

This is the first time “priest” (or any ordained ministry for that matter) has even flittered across my mind or thoughts.  I’ve never, in my wildest imaginings, thought of myself as priest.  The responsibility, the education…the teaching–maybe, but I can teach in many different capacities.  The preaching–I don’t know.  Maybe…it might not be so different as what I do and feel when I sing.  But to be entrusted with all that it means to be a priest?  It’s scary.  It’s alarming.  I don’t know.  I just don’t know…

Well, then the memorial that started all of this was now upon us.  I’d had a few days to just sit and be with everything that was floating around in my head and around me.  My mom had just flown in from Florida to be at the service.  Lola (Grandma in the Philippine language) brought gifts for her beloved grandson.  He was happy Lola was here and really enjoying the new toys.  Then she says to me, I have something for you too!  I said, really?  Thank You!  You didn’t have to do that.

Now I will tell you that my mother is a practicing Seventh-Day Adventist.  Feel free to click on the link if you don’t know what that is or means, but needless to say, the crucifix is often a point of contention, in its use.  Regardless, she presented me with these.

Faith     Love     Hope    Joy

They’re lovely, and of course, I said “Thank You!”  I also asked where on earth she found them.  She said she saw them at the airport and they made her think of me.  I said, “Really?  You saw crucifix measuring spoons and they made you think of me?”  She said, “Well, I thought you’d enjoy them.”  I said, “They’re beautiful, Thank You.”  As the baker of the family, this sort of made sense.  As someone who was is palpitating at the thought of ordained ministry that others might possibly see in my future and someone who is trying to find out what on earth God is telling me…These spoons at the airport?  Really?

Ok God, you sent me some spoons… what are you trying to tell me?

A week or so later, I got an email from our music director at CHN asking if I was available to sing the anthem on August 5th because she would be out of town and Bill, another church member would be playing the organ that Sunday.  After looking at the calendar I responded yes, that would work.  I just need to take a look at the readings for that Sunday and get back to her with some music.  So, I looked up the readings for August 5th on the lectionary page and was drawn to the Epistle (Ephesians 4:1-16) and the Gospel (John 6:24-35).  I started looking through music and found this because it moved me so much.

At one point with my mind just circling around it all while singing, I just broke down and sobbed.  I want to break down the lyric for you…

Hard as it seems,
Standing in dreams,
Where is the dreamer now?
Wonder if I,
Wanted to try,
Would I remember how?

I don’t know the way to go from here,
but I know that I have made my choice.
And this is where I stand,
until he moves me on
and I will listen to his voice.

It strikes a chord with me.  It all started with a kind of a daydream– but do I know or imagine beyond that?  It’s difficult.  It’s scary.  It’s troublesome.  Clearly, my life is in a period of transition.  I’m between churches.  Still at CHN, but often attending the cathedral because it’s closer to home and more accessible to me.  In transition of career as I haven’t “practiced” nursing in 2 years, after the birth of our micropreemie caused us to reevaluate the need to have me working outside of the home.  In transition with a possible move to Florida in our future as our families are living there.

Who knows what the future holds?

However, in our baptismal vows, we’ve already made a promise, a choice:  “…to put our whole trust in God’s love and grace (BCP p.302) …to obey and follow God (BCP p.303)”

The song continues…

This is the faith;
patience to wait when there is nothing clear.
Nothing to see, still we believe
Jesus is very near.

I can not imagine what will come,
but I’ve already made my choice,
and this is where I stand until he moves me on
and I will listen to his voice.

Could it be that he is only
waiting there to see
If I will learn to love the dreams
that he has dreamed for me?

I can’t imagine what the future holds,
but I’ve already made my choice,
and this is where I stand until he moves me on
and I will listen to his voice.

Faith.  I’ve talked about faith before.  I do believe what is currently mush will become crystal clear in God’s time and when I am ready.

Clearly, God is trying to tell me something.  I’m still not at all sure what God has in store for me, but I do believe in his love and his grace.  He has a dream for me and he’s just now starting to see if I can see and put my faith in his dream; learn his dream and in doing so live in to the life he’s dreamed for me since birth.

I’ll close with this:  Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full cloak of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood. but against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions, with all kinds of prayers and requests.  With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”

Why I March…

Many of you know that we gave birth to this beautiful baby boy at 27 weeks last February.  This precious boy was 1 pound, 15 ounces at birth.  This picture is the first time I was finally able to see my little boy.  I was too sick to see him for the first 2 days.  He is 3 days old here.  Prematurity is near and dear to our hearts.  After spending 3 months in the NICU, we witnessed so much.  We were certainly blessed to have not only survived such an early birth, but to have thrived.  Many babies are surviving such young gestation because of the work of March of Dimes.  But, there are many that don’t and babies who struggle even more than my beloved boy.

In honor of these babies, I am marching in the March of Dimes walk to help raise money for babies who struggle with prematurity, babies born with birth defects, and to raise funds, awareness and research for early infant mortality.

I walk to honor my son.

I walk in memory of Baby Jesse Amandus.

I walk in Thanks to Adventist Hinsdale Hospital and all of the hands who have played and continue to play a role in our journey.  They not only help us survive, but to thrive.  As always, a special shout out to CHN for all of the continued love and support.

If you or anyone you think may be interested in supporting our cause.  I invite you to visit our page (simply click on the link):

March for Babies

Thank You!!!

 

We’re all Here

Almighty God,
bless this dear child,
born before his time,
yet made in your image
and perfect in your sight
and Father, we ask that if it be
Thy will, that this beautiful
infant grow stronger and
healthier with each passing day.
Give us, O Lord, the strength
to entrust to your care,
this precious little one
so very much beloved,
and grant us the grace
to pray as Jesus taught us,
that “Thy will be done”.
by: ukok

Friends,
I’d like to introduce a very special baby. His name is Jesse.

Jesse was born last Sunday, December 13, 2015 at 4:25am weighing 1lb, 15oz. He only 24 weeks and 6 days to grow and develop inside his Mommy.  Today, Jesse is 1 week old, with a corrected age of 27 weeks and 6 days.  He’s a miracle.  He’s a fighter.  He’s a survivor.  I invite you to continue to pray for this precious baby boy and for those giving him care.

Church of the Holy Nativity, also known as CHN, had a Prayer Vigil for Jesse on Tuesday and we tied prayer knots in this blanket for him.  It now covers his isolette.  Each candle also represents someone praying for this amazing boy.  We want his mommies to know we are lifting them up in prayer as well.  I will update you as I get information, but for now please lift him up in prayer.

A Celebration and a Baptism

Our story in a nutshell, but it’s so much more.

We had a beautiful celebratory Father’s Day weekend.  A first, for us!  Saturday we had a “Welcome Home” party in lieu of  a shower for our little miracle, our gift from God.  We are overwhelmed by the love and support people continue to give us as well as their presence at these events.  We are so blessed.

Another mommy calming the wee one!

Enjoying the festivities…as long as he’s constantly fed!  It truly amazes me how much this guy eats!  His favorite is still Mommy’s milk!  By the way, breastfeeders to be…I love these bottles!  They’re great for transitioning back and forth from bottle to boob or boob to bottle!

Preparing for his baptism…

Come to me, come. Let the little children come.  Come and receive the kingdom of God.

May all of you find the blessings and promises of God as I have this first Father’s Day weekend.

Wow, sometimes the world just spins!

Dear Friends,

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted a blog or been on line to check in with all of you.  As many of you know after struggling with infertility for quite some time, we were finally able to achieve pregnancy with IVF.  As happy as we were with the pregnancy, it was difficult for me to write about it, with so many I knew struggling with infertility still.  It still hurts that there are so many great moms and dads out there who are just waiting to fill their arms.

In that light, I thought I should share that my world changed in February.  I got very sick with HELLP syndrome rather quickly and they had to deliver the baby very early.  I was 27weeks 4days.  My baby boy came in to the world weighing 1lb 15oz. by emergent C-section.  I was so sick, I wasn’t able to see him until day 3.

I cried when I finally saw him for the first time.  In fear, in relief, but mostly…in hope.  My beautiful church, CHN, held a Prayer Vigil 2 days after he was born…

I wasn’t able to attend as sick as I was in the hospital, but my mom and sweet husband were able to, and brought back the bulletin so that I could read it.  Our beautiful Rev. Liz wrote a lovely prayer that still brings tears to my eyes:

“Gracious and all knowing God, We pray for your abundant blessings on this little newborn, Jonathan.  We look at this tiny baby and by faith we see:  Soft little ears that will one day hear and receive the message of God’s love and grace.  Precious little fingers that will one day reach out with acts of kindness to the world.  Cute little feet with tiny little toes that will one day bring blessings to the world.  Lord, we also see a tender tiny heart and tender tiny lungs.  We lift him to you, Lord God, and pray that you will sustain him in these very early days.  May this child always have an open heart to you and to your word, and may he grow up sure in the knowledge of your love and presence, all the days of his life.  All these things we pray through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Amen.”

Today, my little preemie is 31 weeks 1day (we go by gestational age when they are preemies).  He is now weighing in at 1050gm or 2.5lb.  Almost all of those tubes you see have been discontinued.  We are working on helping him grow.  I’d like to ask for prayers for continued progress.

Surprise!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” ~Jeremiah 29: 11-13

Do you like surprises?  I generally like surprises, specially if they bring automatic joy.  Sometimes surprises bring uncertainty and shock.  That’s kind of what my Saturday was like. 

I got an email on Thursday afternoon that there would be an URGENT Executive Session of the Vestry this Saturday.  Now, I should preface that this is my third and final year on Vestry, and this has never happened before.  There was no other explanation, just a sense of urgency to be at the meeting.  I have to tell you, this left me with some anxiety regarding what this meeting would be about. 

I would like to tell you about my rector and priest at Church of the Holy Nativity, The Rev. Aimee Eyer-Delevett.  Yes, you can click on the link and her bio will appear, but that is not the same as hearing personal stories.  The first time I met Rev. Aimee in the Fall of 2007, I was trying sneak in to this little church that kept compelling me to “check it out” after I had moved to the area.  I tried to sneak in, but there is really no place to sneak in this church.  I did my best and sat in the middle near an elderly couple.  As the processional started, I noticed the priest was walking in, in sneakers.  Wow, I thought, this is a really casual church.  Now after the service, the lady next to me put her arm through mine and asked if I would have a cup of coffee with her. Now remember, I was trying to sneak in and sneak out…but who am I to tell sweet little Harriet, no?  Needless to say, I found myself sitting down to a cup of coffee.  As I sat people started sitting with me and introducing themselves and next thing I knew Adult Formation was starting.  (I can’t just get up and walk out in the middle of a “talk!”….I thought)  Well, so I stayed.  As I listened to the speaker, I realized she was familiar.  So I kept staring and staring until I placed her.  I had taken care of her before in the Cardiac ICU.  She looked great!  She was thriving!  Suddenly it dawned on me, connections, God brought me here.  I was already connected in so many ways to the body (the people) of this church.  Oh, and that strange priest that led the service in her sneakers…she was prepared for Crop Walk Sunday!  This was the beginning on my journey with CHN or Church of the Holy Nativity.

Through the years, as you might imagine, I’ve gotten to know Rev. Aimee so much more and on a much deeper level.  Not only is she my priest, but she is also my friend.  She has listened to my hopes, my fears, my struggles and has been there for the joys.  She provided my husband and I marriage counseling before our marriage.  She married us.  She blessed my womb before my first IVF and embryo transfer (that so many knew nothing about), and anointed me with oil.  What is special about Rev. Aimee, is that not only did she listen to my joys, challenges and hurts, but she shared hers as well.  Most certainly not all of them, but there is a vulnerability and authenticity that just exudes from her spirit.

Saturday morning, I found out that Rev. Aimee will be taking leave from her position at CHN as rector.  October 26th will be her last day with us.  She received a call from All Saints by the Sea in Montecito, CA to be their rector and accepted the call.  This is the letter that just went out to the parish (CHN).  We are so sad, but also know that God is working through Rev. Aimee, and that in our sorrow there is also hope.  Hope for us at CHN, but also hope for those at All Saints by the Sea.  As I said to Rev. Aimee, “I can only wish for you to grow and share your leadership, love and compassion to those who need you.”  Godspeed my dear, dear friend.  Know that you will be taking a piece of my heart with you, just as you are leaving a piece of yours.

 

Looking for Faith

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.  ~Mathew 21:22

Faith:  Complete trust and confidence in someone or something.  Belief that is not based on proof.

You may wonder why I’m reflecting on faith.  I’ve had a difficult time being still enough in body, mind, and heart to write these last few weeks.  It’s been a whirlwind rollercoaster with ups and downs.

Good Friday, April 18, 2014, really was a good day for me.  I went to the doctor’s office in the morning to have my pregnancy test.  I took Freddie (my dog) out when I got home, and while coming in was told that I had a flower delivery.  Really?  I wondered who on earth would send me flowers.  I got the package and opened the note.  My friend Karin had sent them to me with a note that said:  “Just because I’m thinking of you.”  I promptly burst into tears.

It was at this point that I began to wonder if I was pregnant.  I’ve never cried over flowers.  Gotten excited and full of smiles, yes.  Cried non-stop, not so much.  The phone rang at 11:50am and caller ID said it was FCI.  I’d never received a call so early with any lab results, so my first thought was “Oh no!  They need to do a re-draw.  Something was wrong with the specimen.”  “Hello?”  The other voice replied, “Congratulations!”  “Who is this?”  “It’s Fran, you’re pregnant!”  Me, I was speechless, and of course I started crying again.  I got off of the phone and texted my husband the great news, who was waiting at work with bated breath.  This is my very first pregnancy.  Ever.

It was Good Friday, and I had work to do as well.  I was to chant the Passion at CHN, my church.  It’s a beautiful service that ends in darkness and candlelight as we venerate the cross.

I did chant the Passion that night, and here at the foot of the cross Thanked Jesus for giving me life.  As I cried, my priest put her arm around me and I whispered, “I’m pregnant.”….and so we both cried and held each other.  Blessed.

Saturday, April 19th, came and with it The Great Easter Vigil.  We had no deacon this year, and I was honored to be asked to sing the Exultet, an opening proclamation of sorts, at our service at CHN.  I would like to share the words, so you can conceive what this newly-found pregnant woman was singing…

Rejoice now, heavenly hosts and choirs of angels, and let your trumpets shout Salvation for the victory of our King.  Rejoice and sing now, all the round earth, bright with a glorious splendor, for darkness has been vanquished by our eternal King.  Rejoice and be glad now, Mother church, and let your holy courts in radiant light resound with the praises of your people.  All you who stand near this marvelous and holy flame, pray with me to God the Almighty for the grace to sing the worthy praise of this great light; through Jesus Christ his Son our Lord, who lives and reigns with him, in the unity of the Holy Spirit one God, forever and ever, Amen.

It is truly right and good, always and everywhere, with our whole heart and mind and voice to praise you, the invisible, almighty and eternal God, and your only begotten Son Jesus Christ our Lord; for he is the true Paschal Lamb, who at the feast of the Passover paid for us the debt of Adam’s sin, and by his blood delivered your faithful people.  This is the night, when you brought our fathers, the children of Israel, out of bondage in Egypt, and lead them through the Red Sea on dry land.  This is the night, when all who believe in Christ are delivered from the gloom of sin, and are restored to grace and holiness of life.  This is the night, when Christ broke the bonds of death and hell, and rose victorious from the grave.  How wonderful and beyond our knowing, O God, is your mercy and loving kindness to us, that to redeem a slave, you gave a Son.  How holy is this night, when wickedness is put to flight, and sin is washed away.  It restores innocence to the fallen, and joy to those who mourn.  It casts out pride and hatred, and brings peace and concord.  How blessed is this night, when earth and heaven are joined and man is reconciled to God.  Holy Father, accept our evening sacrifice, the offering of this candle in your honor.  May it shine continually to drive away all darkness.  May Christ, the Morning Star who knows no setting, find it ever burning – he who gives light to all creation, and who lives and reigns forever and ever.  Amen.

All I can say about that is Thank You.

Fast forward to Wednesday, April 30th, our first ultrasound.  I was exactly 6 weeks to the day.

Twins!  One embryo had a definite yolk sac and the other did not.  I was to return for another ultrasound in 1 week.

The heartbreak began on our anniversary, Wednesday, May 7th.  I should tell you that my best friend’s mother-in-law who was on hospice had just passed away, and her funeral was scheduled for this day.  I pray she finds restful peace.

My husband had a deposition this morning and I had to be at FCI for my repeat ultrasound to check on progress.  Afterwards, we were to head to the Northern Suburbs to be with our close friends/family to honor Anita, and show our love and support as well.  So, we went our separate ways to start, but I thank God that my husband was made it in time for the ultrasound.  Baby A did have a heartbeat detected by ultrasound.  You could see the movement, however baby A was 1 week behind in measurements for gestational age.  Baby B was not making any progress and there was still no yolk sac.  I am exactly 7 weeks here.  The bright white spot is the heartbeat.

We were taken into a conference room and told to be “cautiously optimistic.”  We are both medical people, and in our world, that translates to; prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Has anyone ever said this to you before?  We had naught a moment to be excited about our baby’s heartbeat, and we were okay with one, but now taking in the news that our pregnancy might not be sustainable.  The goal has never been to have multiples, but to just have a baby.

So here we are, it’s our wedding anniversary, we are filled with fear and sorrow for our pregnancy, and now we are on our way to a funeral.  No time to take it all in.  Just keep moving.  Just keep going.  This is the heart of my silence.  I just want to be strong.  I don’t want to tell you I’m falling apart inside.

I was told to come and see the doctor the following day.  When I got there, she decided to check and see how things were looking and to do another ultrasound.  I was alone this time.  My husband was at work.  Baby A still had a heartbeat seen on ultrasound, but it was a little slower, 94.  I was told we were walking on a tight-rope.  The ultrasound tech was already giving me advice about what to do should I lose the baby.  I finally said, I’m not giving up.  As long as this baby has a heartbeat, I’m not giving up.  They assured me that they weren’t either.  I cried for the entire rest of the day, while my dog, Freddie, licked my tears.

So here I am, looking for faith.  In 2 days I will be 8 weeks, and 1 day.  I am scheduled for another ultrasound and a visit with the doctor.  I need optimism.  I need prayers.  I’m anxious.  I need faith.  In my heart, I know that all will be well, that I can rise above whatever this journey brings. But also in my heart, I hope for a child to tell stories, to sing songs, and to laugh with.  I still feel that this is a divine pregnancy.  God is with me now, just as he was when we walked together through Lent.

and the Journey rolls on…

Well, my injections are well underway in preparation for the FET (frozen embryo transfer).

I wasn’t able to make the Ash Wednesday service at CHN (Church of the Holy Nativity), my home parish, so Rich and I decided to go to the 2pm Mass at Holy Name Cathedral.  The Frances Xavier Warde School along with their own Monsignor Dan Mayall, lead the mass.  I felt like I was exactly where I was meant to be.  The gathering hymn was Lord of all Hopefulness.  Singing, I felt like I was brining all of my own hopes and dreams to the altar.

As the Right Reverend Jeffrey D. Lee said in his Ash Wednesday devotion, “This is a day about the pilgrim way we all walk together toward the waters of new life awaiting for us at Easter.  I feel as though at every turn, God is reminding me that new life is awaiting us at Easter.

To make it even more interesting, I was asked just this week, to sing the Exultet (an Easter proclamation) at The Great Vigil of Easter at CHN.  Normally, this would be done by the deacon, but since we do not have one at this time, I’ve been asked and given this great honor.  I can’t think of a better time to meditate on these words and learn this piece.

I leave you with my devotions today, focusing on scripture meaningful to me in times of difficulty.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 (NIV)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.  And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so you also share in our comfort.

Philippians 4:4-7 (NIV)

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.